What Do You Want From Me?
by RavensGirl13
Summary: It has been 6 months since Hope "died". Starr is running away from her friends, her family, her life, but most of all herself. Will she ever be caught? and who will be there to catch her?
1. 6 months

**After reading everybody else's FF, i decided to try my shot at writing one. This is my very first one, so try to be easy. personally, I don't really think that it is that good. Here goes nothing:**

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It has been 6 months since Starr had given birth to Hope on that November day. It has been 6 long months of mourning over Hope's "death". It has been 6 months of Starr being somebody else. It has been 6 months of Starr trying to go after someone that wants nothing to do with her.

"Starr sweetie are you up yet?" Blair asked, while walking into Starr's room checking if she was awake or not.

"im in here, blair." Starr replied from her bathroom, just stepping out of the shower, a bit annoyed that she still calls her sweetie.

Starr started shutting herself off towards everyone, her mom, whom know she calls Blair. Langston who She doesn't talk to as much as she used to. She doesn't even see or talk to her dad, whom she also calls Todd, because she doesn't know what she would do to him. Ever since she found out about his plans that involved her baby, HIS granddaughter, she no longer calls herself Todd Mannings daughter.

"Where are you going so early today?" Blair asked Starr.

It was early on a Saturday morning. Starr couldn't stay in her room anymore. She couldn't stare at those lavender colored walls, which she desired everyday to just change the color to black. The place where Blair puts her to protect herself from herself. She was tired of staring at the camera's that were put in their so Blair and Dorian could "watch" her. She just wanted everything to go away, she just wanted to escape.

"I need to get out of my room today, out of this house. I don't know where I'm going, but I need to leave; and as much as I know that you are worried about me, don't try to stop me, because it isn't going to work" Starr replied to Blair, while get dressed in her now usual dark wardrobe.

"I wasn't going to try to do-"

"Blair.."

"Ok, that was a lie, yes I am worried about you and I don't want you to leave right now, but I guess that whatever I say isn't going to change your mind."

"Yes, Blair, you are correct." Starr said to her mom with a ever so slight sarcastic tone in her voice.

She hated everything about her life ever since she found out about Hope's "death". She ahted the way everybody watched her. She hated how everybody walked on egg-shells around her like she was going to break or something. Most of all she hated herself, because she thought that she could never go back to her old self, the way that she used to be; how she laughed all the time, how she could tell Langston anything and everything, how she could go out in the world and be fearless.

"Blair, can you please leave now, I would like to be alone." Starr asked her mother, looking at Blair like she was trying to burn a whole through her.

Knowing that Starr wasn't playing around, Blair just turned around, and left her unrecognizable daughter. The daughter that she didn't know anymore.

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**So there was my first chapter, I know that it was super short, but I just thought that that was a good place to stop at.. I'm not sure how long it will be until I introduce Cole into the story, so just hang in here with me. I really don't think that I did a good job on it.**

I am going to involve more than Starr and Cole in this story. So it will not only be about Sole. Mostly Sole, but other characterrs here and there.

**Im not sure when i will update again, just be patient with me.:D**

**Read and Review. Compliments and Criticism3**

**I hope you liked it!! Lindsay3**


	2. My Little Starr

Im not really happy with this chapter, but I think that it turned out okay…

Chapter 2

Blair walked down the stairs to be met up with Dorian who was making coffe in the kitchen.

"Hi Honey, how is Starr doing this morning?" Dorian asked with true concern in her voice.

"Truth be told Dorian, I honestly don't know. I am so worried about her that I don't know what to do about it. She doesn't even call me mom anymore." Blair started to say, also starting to cry.

"She calls me 'Blair' Dorian, 'Blair'. Do you know how much it hurts to hear your own daughter call you by your first name without thinking twice about it?"

"Blair sweetie, come here." Dorian started to say making her way over to Blair to comfort her.

"No, Dorian No!" Blair said with a hint of anger behind her voice. "I have to get this all of my chest"

Dorian just nodded and allowed Blair to continue.

"Starr and I, we used to be so close. We were best friends. She used to come to me for everything. We used to have late nights, having spent the hole day together. We were the epitimy of a true mother-daught relationship" Blair was pouring her heart out to Dorian, crying hysterical.

"We were as close as we ever were after I found out that she was pregnantin that hospital in Virginia Beach that afternoon. We became inseperable. But after Hope's funeral, Starr, she just changed; becoming a completely different person. She had changed her whole life; her attitude, the way she walks, talks, acts, clothing and she lost her beautiful, outgoing loving personality. She is dark and depressed all the time. But the worst part of all of this is that she doesn't even look me in the eyes anymore when I try to talk to her.:

Blair cried her eyes out into Dorians arms. All Dorian could do was comfort her. Dorian had thought that she was finished, when Blair had startled her.

"Dorian, what if she is going to hurt hurself? In so scared that she is destroying herself in an unhealthy way." "She isn't my Little Starr anymore, I don't know who she is."

The only thing that Dorian could do was comfort her neice because somewhere deep, deep down inside her, she knew that Blair was right.

Looking at herself in the mirror, Starr knew that she was thin, much thinner than she was before, but would never admit, because in her eyes, she thought that she looked fine. Wearing heavy, dark eye- makeup, her dark clothes, that were very baggy on her because of how thin she was, and her newly black streaked hair, she was ready to leave.

Blair was right. After she had left Starr's room, Starr had locked herself in her bathroom for a good hour. Because dealing with Blair moments before had made Starr very stressed out. Knowing that what she was doing was not only hurting herself, but everybody around her, It had made her feel so much better, so relieved. She was immuned to the pain it had caused her, not feeling any of it. Ever since Hope's 'death", Starr had become deeply depressed, closing herself off from the world, her entire family and her friends. She barely showed any emotion and only talked when necessary, she kept everything bottled in and only releasing it in ways she thought were healty.

Starr lied, She knew exactly where she was going. She had known all along. As much as she kept to herself, she had wanted him.

Looking at herself in her bedroom mirror, she was ready to get him.

Showing no expression in her face and no emotion behind her voice, she told herself, "This is the only way. He is your only answer. You want him and today you are going to get him."

Starr thought that he was the answer, but in actuallity, he wasn't. He was just there to fill that wanting of a man in her life.

Starr looked at herself once more, not for herself, but for him. With her heavy dark make-up, her dark loose clothes, she left her room, her fishbowl, she had left that house secretly wishing that she would necer have to return to it again.

Before she went to go see him, Starr had wanted to go visit Hope in the cemetety.

"Hope, I miss you so much."

Starr heard someone say as she entered the cemetary, walking towards Hope's grave.

"Hi Hope, its me, your grandpa Todd. Now I know that I shouldn't be here, but I needed to see you."

Todd started to say, not realizing that starr was standing behind him. At his point Starr was fuming with anger, but would never show it; but she let him continue because she wanted to hear what he had to say.

" You need to know that no matter what my plans were for you, your mom and dad loved you, still love you so much. I love you"

Starr stared at him in disbelief "He has got to be kidding me.."

Todd continued, "You know how I found out about you? How I found out that I was going to be a grandpa? Your dad, Cole. Yeah I know right, unbievable. After everything that I had done to him, he came to me, to tell me that the night that I caught him and your mom in bed together was the night that they conceived you. The one person that I despised told me about you. I guess that he thought that I was the last resort. You were conceived when your mommy was 16 and you daddy was 17. As much as you mom loves you, she knew that she wasnn't ready to be a mom yet. So she thought that her only choice was to give you up, for adoption."

Todd continued on, all while crying.

"Your dad, Cole, he knew that he could raise you. He wanted more than anything for your mom, Starr, him and you, baby girl, to be a family. But your mom just wan't ready, so she went to that S.O.B. Marcie McBain to adopt you."

Todd said that last line with a hint of anger.

"Cole tried so hard to convince your mom that they could do it; that they could raise you together, but she already had her mind set on adoption and there was nothing that could be said or done to change it."

Starr stood there still listening to Todd pour his heart out to Hope. Not buying one thing he has said to her.

"With knowing that that Cole couldn't change your mommy's mind, he signed the adoption papers. But after, your dad came to me, telling me about you, hoping that we could pair up and fight Starr in court about the adoption. Believe me baby, we tried our hardest, but Starr and that S.O.B. Marcie won."

"That's when things between your parents turned bad. Cole couldn't deal with it anymore and as much as they loved eachother, they broke up; thinking that that was their only solution."

"I know that you probably think that I am a horrible person, but what I had planned for you, I thought that that was the only choice."

Todd knew that what he had to tell Hope next was going to be so hard.

"Right after you were born, I was going to take you away. I was going to make your mommy and daddy believe that you had died. i was going to take you away and we were going to move out of Llanview, far away, along with your grandma, Marty, who at the time didn't know who she was because she was in an accident and lost all of her memory."

Starr was now sitting, wanting to hear what Todd was saying to her daughter.

"You have to know that I changed my mind. It was a little late, but I changed my mind. I din't want to do that to you mommy, and I guess a part of me didn't want to hurt you daddy like that as well. Even if I still went through with it, I couldn't take you because you died, baby girl, you died. But why?"

"As much as I am sorry for everything I put you through, you mommy through and even your daddy through, I love you, I mean, after all you are 'Oh Great One's kid'".

Todd went on, "I wish that you were still alive. Your parents, both of them are a mess. Your mom won't even talk to me, look at me or even see me. I know that she is depressed and is hurting and I wish that I could be there to help her.

(Starr interrupted her own thoughts, "Like hell you will Todd")

She's closed herself off from everyone and I don't know how much it will be until she breaks. You dad, he is so much worse. Like your mom, he is also depressed. He turned to drugs; I guess that he thinks that they take away all of the pain, physical, emotional and mental pain. I actually feel sorry for him."

Starr couldn't believe that she was actaully listening to all of this BS that Todd was telling her daughter.

"Your parents, they both really need you right now and I wish so much that you were her."

Todd finished, giving Hope a kiss goodbye, he turned around, surprised to be met face-to-face with his daughter, whom he hadn't seen in 4 months.

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**A/N: So here is chapter 2. Im not really happy about the way it turned it out. i guess that it could be better. I just wanted to let everyone know about how I plan to write my chapters. I like to be desriptive, very descriptive, so there will be paragraphs of just description about someone or something. For the dialogue, as you can see by this past chapter, I write in bulk. I know that not many of you like to read paragraphs (I know that I dont) but when it is only one person talking to someone or something, for a long time, I feel that that is the only way of how to get it across. I do break it up a bit, putting thoughts in here and there. As the chapters continue, I promise that there will be more dialogue between characters, but I will continue to write in detail. How the person is acting/feeling/thinking etc. Im rambling here, but I just wanted to tell everyone that this is how I want ti do my stories. I think that by doing it this way, the emotion gets across and it makes me feel good...yeah, so anyway, I hope you liked it and be on the watch for chapter 3.**

**Don't forget R&R:D**

**Love you all Lindsay xoxo**


	3. Walking Away

Chapter 3

"Starr, hi its been really long, 4 months too long." Todd said to Starr with a little chuckle, acknowledging that she was standing there.

Starr just stood there frozen. She really didn't want to see Todd, especially not here and especially not in front of her daughter.

"Starr can you please talk to me, I need to hear your voice." Todd pleaded

"Talk to you, you've got to be kidding me, I don't even want to see you." Starr said with anger.

"I know what I did is unforgivable, but you are my shorty, my own flesh and blood, your Starr Manning." Todd said hoping to get his point across to Starr.

Starr was amazed that those words had just came out of his mouth.

"I'm your 'shorty'? Your own flesh and blood? I'm your Starr Manning?" Starr began to say full out with anger, not liking it, but finally having a chance to tell Todd how she really feels about him.

"Todd. I thought that you were changing. You finally allowed me and Cole to see eachother even though that we broke up, but you still knew that I needed him. But then. 'Boom' you went right back to the same old Todd Manning. You lied to me, right to my face. What kind of man does that to his own daughter? I'll tell you, Todd Manning does that. To put the icing on the cake, you were going to take my daughter, your own granddaughter and raise her with Marty Saybrooke. She didn't even know who she was, let alone who this baby was and I'm sure as hell you didn't even tell her that she had a son, Cole Thornhart."

Starr was interrupted by Todd, "Please let me explain myself."

"How dare you interrupt me. I'm not finished. After everything that you have done, not only now, but in the past, do you still expect me to be your 'Shorty', 'your own flesh and blood', 'Starr Manning'?"

"Yeah, I do because that's who you are, you've always been them and you always—"

"No" Starr cut Todd off. "I will never be those anymore. I'm not your Shorty and I'm not Blair's Little Starr. I have NO Manning flesh and blood in me anymore. And I can guarantee you that I'm sure as hell not going to be Starr Manning anymore. Because you are a Manning and anything having to do with you is disgusting. Because you, Todd, are not my father anymore. You lost that right when you wanted to take my daughter away from me and Cole. And you can forget about me being your daughter. The only daughter that I am is to Blair."

Todd didn't want Starr seeing him cry, but he couldn't help it. He never thought in a million years that Starr would say something like that to him. To tell him that she no longer is his father, that she is no longer Starr Manning, not even after what he was going to do to her.

"Starr please don't do this. We've been through so much. We were best friends. You came to me for everything. No matter what I did, you stood by me, you believed me, you have forgiven me. We are like 'Peanut Butter and Jelly, 2 Peas in a Pod'. Together, we were unstoppable." Todd expressed how he felt, hoping Starr would understand.

"Todd, do you hear yourself? We were. NOT ANYMORE. Yeah, I have forgiven you in the past because no matter what you did, it was just me and you. And it always has been and I THOUGHT that it will always be like that. But me and you 'together' stopped the night you caught me in bed with Cole, when you accused him of raping me, which he didn't, when you tried to kill him." Starr continued…

"That's only when it started. When you found out that I was pregnant by Cole, which now I understand why he told you, you went on a rampage. And there was nothing that anyone could do to stop you, no one. So, when that mean, horrible plan to take my babt and make Cole and I believe that she had died, came up in your head, that was the final straw. That is when you became unforgivable. That's when we stopped being best friends, but most of all, that's when we stopped being father and daughter."

"Starr please, don't do anything you're going to regret."

"No Todd, I don't regret anything, I don't feel anything." Starr meant it, she regretted nothing and felt absolutely nothing, no pain, no hapinees no sadness, nothing.

"From here on out, we are no longer father and daughter, friends, we're nothing. You disgust me; don't try to contact me, don't try to do anything that involves me. As far as I'm concerned, your dead to me."

With that, Starr turned turned around, walking away from Todd. Walking away from past pain, sadness, fear and memories, but most of all walking away from her father.

**Please Review!!**


	4. I Don't Want You

Chapter 4

Starr was so stressed out after her conversation with Todd and after walking away from him. She didn't want to have that conversation that she just had with Todd, mainly because she didn't really want to talk at all, but especially because she was talking to Todd, the person who she despised since that November.

Before going to her destination, she stopped at the Buenos Dias Café, went to the bathroom and did what she thought that she needed to do to relief her stress, feeling nothing.

"Oh, Hey Starr" Markko said as he saw Starr leaving the bathroom.

"Markko" Starr said with no emotion in her voice.

"I didn't see you come in"

"Ummm, I just had to use the bathroom."

"Okay. So, how are you doing?"

"Fine, everything's fine. I have to go; I've got somewhere I have to be." Starr pushed past Markko, not wanting to talk about it anymore, leaving the café.

"Okay, nice seeing you to Starr." Markko said with a bit of a chuckle, shaking his head.

As Markko was turning around, he looked down, seeing fresh droplets of blood, the same place where Starr had been standing.

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Starr made her way up the steps and knocked on that apartment door.

"Hold on, I'm coming" That all too familiar voice called out. He opened the door to see Starr, his student.

"Um, hi Starr, what are you doing here? It's kind of inappropriate for you to be here."

"I needed to see you. Can I come in?"

"I'm kind of busy right now, I have my girl-"

Schuyler was interrupted by Starr pushing the door open to see Stacy Morasco, covered up in only a bed sheet, in Schuyler's bed.

"Excuse me, what are you doing here and especially naked, in his bed?" Starr asked the person, a little anger in her voice.

"I don't know who you are honey, but I just made love to my boyfriend, Schuyler."

Starr turned around, looking at Mr.J.

"Yeah, him. My boyfriend and your biology teacher."

"No, he is not your boyfriend, he doesn't love you. He loves me and I love him." Starr exclaimed to Stacy.

"Starr, what the hell are you doing here? I can loose my teaching license if anybody caught you here. You really need to leave. Schuyler told Starr, also wondering what she was doing in his apartment.

"I'm here because I want you and somewhere deep down I know that you want me too.: Starr began to say to Schuyler. "I'm ready again Schuyler. I want you."

"Starr, are you blind? I want Stacy, not you, don't you get it. I NEVER wanted you and I will never want you. I'm sorry if in someway I was leading you on. I never meant for that to happen. I know that you needed someone to talk to and I was there for you to just listen, nothing else, just listening. But you-you blew this WAY out of proportion and it stops, right here right now. You're not in love with me, you love Cole and you're only using me to fill that void." Schuyler said hoping to get across to Starr.

"Starr, me and Schuyler we were in the middle of something when you interrupted. I'm not trying to be mean to you but your, what, 17? Honey, you're only a teen. Schuyler and me we are adults, we are out of high school and we love each other so much."

Stacy knew what Starr had been through with Cole because Schuyler had told her.

"Listen Starr, I know what you have been through and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone, especially not you, but you have to get it through your head that Schuyler doesn't want you. He wants me and I want him." Stacy said now standing face to face with her.

"No, you're wrong. He wants me. He has since-" Starr was cut off by Schuyler.

"I DON'T WANT YOU! I DON"T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU? WHAT DON"T YOU GET?" Schuyler yelled at Starr at the top of his lungs angrily praying that he finally got his point across to Starr.

With tears in her eyes, Starr ran out of Mr.J's apartment and possibly out of his life.

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**I am happy about this chapter. I know that not many of you wanted to read it, I know that I didn't like writing it, but I needed to get the whole Starr/Schuyler stuff out of the way. Many of you are asking where Cole is. Cole will be in the next chapter. I'm not sure if he will be interacting with Starr yet hough. If not he will definately in chapter 6. Cole will be for sure in the next chapter. :D**

**~Review Please~ (The more reviews, the faster I will try to update) Lindsay xoxo**


	5. Hurting, Wanting & Needing

Chapter 5

This chapter was a little bit hard to think of because I wanted to get Cole right and I think that I did it. I wrote him as the way that I wish I had seen him on OL…Hope you all like it, ENJOY:)

* * *

Cole laid in bed thinking about Hope, thinking about Starr. Wishing that he could turn back time and support Starr and be there for her throughout the adoption. He wished that he still had Starr that Hope hadn't "died". But as much as he wished, there was no turning back and to get through the pain, he thought that taking painkillers was the only way. But in reality, the only way that the pain would go away for both of them, was each other.

"KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK" Cole heard someone knocking on his bedroom door and at this time of the morning he had already known who it was. He went to go answer it "Yeah. Asher, what do you want?"

"Can you let me in our room; I got some stuff for you."

Cole moved aside and allowed Asher to come into his room.

"Wow, dude your place is trashed. What happened in here?" Asher exclaimed din amazement of how messy Cole's room was.

"None of your business" Cole said while popping a pill at the stress of his dream and Asher coming over knowing exactly what he was here for.

"Man, I brought you some more painkillers; it looks like your running low."

"Look man I don't need them. I have enough, I'm fine."

"No your not, look at yourself." Cole turned around and looked at himself in his mirror; he saw nothing wrong with himself. "Your eyes are bloodshot, you're all sweaty and you're shaking. If you think that that's fine, then you're more messed up, than I though you were."

Cole knew Asher was right. Cole had enough pills to last him for more than a while, but truth be told, Cole actually had wanted to stop. He wanted to stop the shaking, sweating and hurting. Not only hurting himself, but everyone around him, especially Starr. But Cole had no idea how hard it was going to be to stop though.

"Asher, I bought enough from you the last time, I have enough to hold me over for a while." And the fact that he was sorta running out of his drug money. "I also don't have enough money for more, so you're S.O.L."

"No biggie, I'll cover you this time."

"But I don't want or need them" Cole was now getting a bit angry that Asher wasn't getting the point that he didn't want more pills.

"Okay, chill dude." Asher was slowly walking back towards the door. "I'll just leave them here." Asher threw the brown paper bag filled with painkillers on the table. "I'll cover you and you don't need to worry about any of it." Asher went out the door before Cole could say anything else.

Cole couldn't take the stress anymore, so he popped another pill. Cole got dressed and was going to the café, to try to relax for a bit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Markko heard the door open and turned around and saw Cole. "Man, should I tell him about Starr?" Markko was wondering if he should tell Cole about Starr, thinking to himself.

Cole found a booth by the window and sat in it, knowing that Markko was going to be his waiter.

"Hey man, can I get you anything?"

"Just some water."

"K, I'll be right back." Markko decided that he was going to tell Cole about Starr, knowing that if anybody, Cole can help Starr and also because Cole would be angry if he wasn't informed about Starr.

"Noelle, I'm taking a break for a bit." shouting over to Noelle.

"Okay Sugar pie, just don't be forever." Markko nodded, making his way over to Cole with his water.

"Here you go" Markko handed Cole the glass sitting down on the opposite seat.

"Thanks" Cole said taking a sip of water.

"What's up man? It looks like something is really bugging you."

"Alright, so I don't know how to tell you his, but it's about Starr." Markko started telling Cole, wondering how Cole was going to react.

Even though Cole and Starr weren't together and not really talking to each other a lot these days, Cole was still really worried about her, knowing that something was wrong by the tome in Markko's voice and look in his face.

"Okay, spill it. What's up with Starr?"

'So, I was cleaning a table by the bathroom and I turned around and Starr was there, so I started talking to her and asking how she was doing."

Cole already knew how Starr was. She was like him; hurt, depressed, angry and sad.

"And she was really silent, almost emotionless, not talking unless she was spoken to." Markko saw how concerned Cole was for Starr. "It looked like she had someplace to be and so before I could say anything else to her, she just rushed passed me saying she had to be somewhere and left."

"Markko, she's just sad and depressed and I ---" Cole got cut off by Markko.

"No man, that's not what I am worried about. As I was turning around to get back to work, I happened to look down and there was a few droplets of fresh blood in the same place where Starr had been standing."

Cole couldn't believe it. He knew that Starr was depressed and in pain just like him, but Cole never thought that she would go as far as destroying herself, cutting herself.

"Oh my god. I can't believe this. Never in a million years would I think that Starr would do something like that to herself, hurting herself and destroying her body." Cole continued, "I'm glad you told me man, I just still can't believe it. I would never think that the Starr that I met at that party almost 4 years ago would do something like this. She was so pure and innocent, strong and fearless, like nothing could break her down. I don't want her to do this to herself."

"Cole, do you hear yourself right now? I'm not trying to be mean, but how do you think Starr felt when she found out you were popping pills like they were nothing. She probably thought the same of you, thinking back when she first met you at that party. You say she is hurting herself but if you don't know it yet, by you popping these pills, your destroying yourself to. It's been a while since you started and it's been a while since you started and its been a while of you destroying and hurting not only you, but everyone around you, everyone that loves you, especially Starr."

Cole was amazed by Markko's thought. Maybe he was right.

"Do you know how long she has been doing it for?" Cole wondered.

"I don't know, but from what I saw, she wasn't phased one bit by it and it was almost like there was no cut at all on her arm. So what I'm thinking is that if she felt no pain from it, then she has to have been doing it for a while now."

Cole thought about this and knew that he wanted Starr to stop. Once Markko told him, he felt pain, like Starr wasn't only cutting herself, but him also. He cared about her so much. He needed to do something.

"Markko, I feel hurt, angry a little bit that Starr would do this to herself." Cole told Markko how he felt about this.

"Well, now you know how Starr felt when she found out you were doing drugs. She felt your pain, your hurt and she probably was angry at you for doing that not only to yourself, but in a way to her too."

Cole knew that Markko was on a roll and there was nothing he could do to stop him from speaking his mind, so he just let him continue.

"When you two needed each other the most, that's when the both of you started to pull away from each other. You went to your drugs to cope with the pain of losing Hope and Starr went to cutting herself and a little bit of wanting Mr. J, but mostly the cutting and the two of you just grew apart. Right here, right now is the chance to fix all of that. To start over again and finally grief over Hope together and maybe even find your way back to each other." With that, Markko left to go back to work, leaving Cole to his thoughts.

Cole was glad that Markko had said that. He wanted so much to just go back to Starr and grief with her, but most of all to be with her again. Cole knew that the only was to do that was to help Starr, but first he needed to help himself.

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This is my favorite chapter(so far), I hope you all enjoyed it:). More reviews, more motivation for me to write&&update. A little note: Please, in your reviews, write your full thoughts, cause I would love to hear what you would like to happen and you might just get ti (and it will help me a little, to please all of my readers=])

**REVIEW:) Lindsay xoxo **


	6. Road to Recovery

Chapter 6

Note: Marty does have her memory back at this point & I have decided to write the drup storyline a little bit differently.

Cole walked out of the café knowing where he was going. He needed to try to help himself first if he wanted to help Starr. But before doing that, he went to go visit his mom first.

"Knock, Knock" Marty heard a knock on her door and went to go answer it.

"Oh Cole, what are you doing here?" Marty asked, allowing Cole in also while hugging him.

"I needed to talk to you. Today, I went to the café to just relax and Markko came by and we started to talk and Markko told me something BIG about Starr."

Having the shrink come out of her, Marty was really worried about Starr and wanted to know what was up. "Okay Cole, your worrying me, what's up with Starr?"

"After everything that happened with Hope dying, me and Starr turned to different ways to deal with our pain and grieving. I turned to drugs, which I am not proud of."

"It's okay sweetie, I know and your going to get better."

"Yeah I am, but that's besides the point right now."

"Alright im sorry for interrupting, continue please."

"So, as I was saying, I turned to painkillers to get through the pain and death of Hope and I thought that Starr was just rebelling and not being herself and turned to Mr. Joplin. But I was totally wrong. Her little wanting of Mr. J might be over, but I had no idea that she had started to cut herself, hurting and destroying herself."

"Oh my god, I can't believe Starr would do such a thing to herself."

"Mom, you don't understand. For 6 months, while I was hooked on painkillers, Starr she was-she was taking a sharp object, putting it on her skin and cutting herself. How much blood loss, scars is that for 6 months? UGHHH." Cole was mad, so mad that he took the vase that was on the table nect to the bed and threw it across the room, shattering it.

Marty was scared. She knew her son and when he got angry or upset about something, it took a lot to calm him down and there was only one person who could do it, Starr. "Cole, please calm down, let's talk. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"How do you expect me to calm down when the mother of my baby and the girl that I am still in love with is doing this to herself. Huh, mom? I can't stand it, any of it."

"Cole I know, I've known for a while that you still love her. You can just see it by the look on your face and in your eyes whenever you talk about her."

"Thanks mom. Um, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Cole got up and went to the bathroom, not actually having to go. He went into his jacket pocket and pulled out a little plastic baggy, pulled out a pill and popped it in his mouth. He couldn't handle the overwhelming feeling and high anxiety. Cole just needed something that could relax him.

"Cole, are you okay?"

"Yep, I'm all better now, I just had to empty the tank."

With a little giggle, Marty said, "Alright Cole, lets sit down and talk about this please."

Nodding his head, Cole went to the couch and sat down, waiting to hear what his mom had to say about this situation.

"Cole, I know that you two turned to different methods to cope with grieving. And maybe none of us realized how much more Starr was hurting than the rest of us."

Cole was intrigued by Martys evaluation, he let her continue.

"We are all grieving for Hope and all of us in different ways. You and Starr distanced yourselves from eachother and that could have put even more stress on Starr. So, on top of loosing Hope and add the seperation anxiety between the two of you could have been to much for Starr to handle. And needing to find a way to calm herself down and relief the stress, she turned to cutting herself, if it is true."

"But why mom?"

"People cut themselves for many different things, but there is one obvious reason."

"Which is?"

"To get rid of the emotional and mental pain, they take on physical pain, which they might not even feel at all, depending on how long they have been doing it nad how they do it."

"What do you mean how they do it?"

"Your veins run mainly vertical through your arms. To relief pain, they usually cut themselves horizontally, which usually doesn't kill someone, depending on how deep the cut is."

"Wait, Starr can dieif she continues to do this to herself?"

"Cole, let me finish" Cole just nodded and allowed Marty to continue. "But then, there is the serious, commiting suicide, really want to hurt yourself kind of way."

"Again, which is?"

"Cutting yourself vertically on your arm, the same way your veins go, to really hurt oneself."

Cole was speechless. He knew some stuff about how harmful cutting can be, but never knew the serious effects of it.

"Mom, what if Starr is cutting herself, like she means it, like she wants to die?"

"I don't know sweetheart, but let's not jump to conclusions here."

Marty coming over to comfort her son, giving him a hug. "Does anybody know what Starr is doing? Besides Markko and you?"

Cole letting go of his mom to talk to her."No, I don't think so. Starr, after everything that happened, she started shutting herself off from everyone, becoming real quiet. She didn't let anyone in, even Langston, her best friend. She became super depressed."

"Not even Langston or Blair know about this?"

"No-one mom. Or else Starr wouldn't be doing what she is doing now."

"Are you okay Cole? You seem kind of jumpy."

"No, im fine, im just so frusturated." Cole was really mad at this point.

"I have to help her. I can't stand the thought of Starr doing this to herself. I'm going to help her now, today."

"I am all for you helping her, but you need to help yourself first. You are in no shape of helping Starr get clean, if you aren't."

Cole knew Marty was right. He knew that no matter how much he wanted to help Starr, he had to help himself first.

"You're right. I know it and I've been knowing it." Cole knew that now was the perfect time to get clean. 'Starr, even if I would try to help her, she'd call me a hyprocrite because I'm not helping myself."

"What are you still doing here then? I know that I'm your mom and everything , but with getting clean, I can't help you with it. You have to get a counselor, get real help."

"Yes, I am going over there right now." Cole walked over to his mom, giving her a hug and then leaving.

Cole went up to the drug counselors office and walked in. He went to room 312 where he was told and went in to see Rachel, his counselor.

Cole coughed to get Rachel's attention. Rachel looked up from her paperwork to see her counselee.

"Sorry about that. Hi, I'm Rachel. I guess that Im your counselor."

"Hi Rachel, I'm Cole. Listen I want to get things out in the open before you do whatever your going to go with me."

"Okay, blunt and to the point, I like it. What do you want to say?"

"I've been hooked to painkillers gor a few months now. Ever since I found out that my baby died. I did it to take the pain away so I wasn't hurting anymore. Once I got on, I couldn't stop. Now, I am willing to stop and I won't fight you on it."

"Wow, I never had anyone that is just willing to stop. They're usually so hooked that it takes months for them to fully recover. So what's your deal?" Rachel wanted to know.

"My baby's mom, my ex girlfriend, she became depressed after she had died too. She didn't start using or anything, but she started going after her teacher. I thought that, that was the only thing, but it turns out that she was hurting soo much more. I found out that she had been cutting herself for the past 6 months since our baby died and I have to-no, I NEED to help her. I need to help myself first though and get clean. So that's why I'm here."

Rachel had no idea that, that was coming. She trully believed him. "Cole that was honest and true. Now I need you to give me any pills that you have on you now. If you do have any on you." Rachel demanded sticking her hand out in front of Cole.

Cole went into his pocket, reached for the little baggy filled with a few pills and handed them over to Rachel. "This is all that I have, I swear."

"Okay, good, but you need to know that just because you gave these to me doesn't mean that you are automatically clean." Rachel wanted to let Cole know how this was going to work. "You will get random drup tests. You won't know when, but that's the point. I have to make sure that you are staying clean. You don't stay here, but when you are here and you want to leave, you have to make sure that you sign out. You will have very strong urges to take these pills when you are under stress or you feel pain, but you have to try your hardest to resist them, to fight the temptation. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do. As of right now, I am going to try my damn hardestto stay clean. Not am I only doing this for myself, but for Starr too. In order to help her, I'm helping myself and here right now, is where I am starting. I know that this osunds cliché, but this is the beginning of the end for this part of my life." Cole said with a little giggle.

"Nice, this is how I like it. When was the last time that you took a pill?"

"About 4 hours ago. I was stressed out and I needed it to calm myself down. I think that it wore off and I don't think that I want another one."

"Cole, you did good today. Here is my card" Rachel took out her card and handed it to Cole. "Call me if you have urges or you feel like you need to talk. I will be here for you."

"Thanks a lot Rachel. I really think that with your help, I can get through this." Cole said with a smile. "Can I leave now or what?"

"Oh right, yea you can leave, just make sure that you are back here tomorrow at 3."

"OK, no problem." Cole began to walK out the door when rachel stopped him.

"Cole, I am so happy that you decided to get clean. I know how hard it is to stop, believe me I've been there, but you are making a huge step and I am so glad that I can make it with you."

"Thanks Rachel, that means a lot."

"Anytime Cole."

With that, Cole left knowing that he was on the road to recovery and now he can help get Starr on the road of recovery also.

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**A/N: ****This chapter had to deal with Cutting a lot. I;m not an expert on it or anything, but i just wrote what I have watched from tv shows and movies. I do not want to offend anyone by writng about it and if I did, I am sorry about it. This chapter was a chapter that I needed to write to help Cole.  
With that said, hope you all enjoyed it && remember to review :) **


	7. Author's Note

...I have not updated in FOREVER! I know that i havn't updated in like a month and I am so sorry. When I first started writing this story I said that I wasn't going to be one fo those people that starts writing a story, then abandons it and doesn't finish it. And yet, here I am.

Ever since school started, I have been really busy. Schoolwork, studying, getting up early and going to bed early. I am also transfering my chapters to a different notebook, so that is also taking time.

but I PROMISE that I am going to finish this story, I am not leaving it. I know where I want to get Sole at, but it's just the point of me trying to find a way to get them there...but I will find that way.

So..please just bare with me, and I promise I will try to find time to write and put up a new chapter

I hope that you all can understand where I'm coming from, and within time, I will update my story


	8. I Promise

Finally, I have my latest chapter up!! School and home life and everything else ahd just been SO busy and I just didn't have any time to write this, but I finally found some and here it is!! I really enjoyed writing this chapter, So i hope you guys enjoy reading it as well!! So, im gonna stop rambling, and lrt you guys go..hehe!!

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Chapter 7

Starr was confused. She had put herself out there, for Schuyler and he hadn't turned down her advances. But just before, what had happened completely confused her. He actually turned her down, rejected her and she was sorta relieved. Starr started to get this feeling that she had only felt, with Cole. She had been thinking that she was only filling that void in her heart with Schuyler, which is meant for Cole. And now that Schuyler had rejected her, that wanting and needing of a man came back, for Cole.

"How can I be so stupid? I hurt myself, Schuyler, Cole, Stacy, but mostly Cole; ugh, what have I done?" Starr was talking to herself on the way to the park. "I'm so upset, why did I do this to myself? I never wanted Schuyler, EVER!"

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Cole was on his way home and he decided to take the long way through the park just to think and clear his head, when he heard a voice in the park.

---

"Why, why, why, why, why?" Starr was just chanting to herself, all the while pulling out a razor blade from her purse knowing what she was going to do next.

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Cole knew that voice; he could never, ever forget it. Cole followed the voice and it led him to Starr; sitting on the park bench with her back towards him. Cole saw a glisten from a shiny object in Starr's hand. "Oh no," he thought "I can't let Starr do this."

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"Starr don't" Cole shouted out of impulse.

Starr turned around, in shock surprised by the sudden outburst.

"Cole?" Starr said, very surprised considering they haven't seen each other in a very long time.

Starr quickly went to pull down her sweaters sleeve before Cole could see anything, but he quickly raced over to her and put his hands on top of hers to tell her to stop.

Cole examined her one arm. It was filled of old scars, new scars, scabs and the very freshly cut on her arm that she had just made.

"Starr" Cole whispered in that disappointed type tone, hurt by what she was doing. He rubbed his fingertips lightly over them, including the one that is just starting to bleed, wiping away the blood. "Does it hurt?" Cole wondered.

Starr shook her head, "No, not anymore." Starr had placed her hand over Cole's now moving along with his traveling fingers.

"Why Starr? Was it that bad?" Cole wanted to know the truth.

"Because, I had no other choice. I was hurt; Cole and I know you were too, but that just made matters worse. I had no where else to turn to. The only other person that knew what I was going through was you. But, guess what? You were nowhere to be found, off somewhere getting high. I couldn't talk to anyone else. I was desperate and wanted to escape."

"Do you get it Cole? It was, still is, my escape. To just forget and relax, maybe even for just a little bit."

Cole got it. "That is what I was doing, escaping." "I needed you Starr, in more than one way and you left & ran off, seducing your teacher."

"That's over with, a total mistake." Starr had to add.

"Okay, fine. Let me show you something." Cole quickly grabbed the razor that fell to the ground and picked it up. He had placed it, just gently pressing it to his skin.

"Cole, please, what are you doing?" Starr was completely confused.

"I'm showing you Starr, what you are doing to yourself." Cole was starting to slide the blade over his skin, cringing in pain, but he had to stick it out, to help Starr.

"Cole, No, stop. Your hurting yourself and your hurting me." And when she had said that, he had stopped. That is what he wanted to hear. That was the only thing that he wanted to hear.

"You don't like me doing it?" Cole asked Starr. "Do you not like me hurting myself? Me hurting you?" Cole wanted to know.

"Yes, all of it." Starr started to say in tears. "Why did you do that to yourself? To me? You didn't like doing that, so why did you? I hated it, so much, even though you only did it once." Starr finished.

"Exactly. I only did it one time to prove something to you. To show you exactly what you have been doing to me for the past 6 months. Starr, do you know what you have been doing to me, whether you knew it or not? All of these marks & anger & stress & cuts on you" Cole holds up Starr's arm and truly shows her "have been killing me and hurting me, but the funny part about all of this is that I only found out today, this morning. Imagine how I would've been if I knew all along?" Cole let Starr take all of this in.

Starr stepped back and found herself on the bench just staring at her arm, in complete shock. Starr was speechless. "Cole, what do you want me to say?"

Cole walked over to Starr and grabbed her other hand. "I want you to say that you're gonna stop, that you won't do it anymore, any of it. I want you to say that you will promise me that you're gonna get better."

Starr knew that he was right. Starr had always known that Cole always knew the right things to sat and do. "I promise" but Starr still had something up her sleeve.

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Ohhh, suspense. Have to wait for the next chapter to find out what happens next=)

Again, Reviews & comments are much appreciated and very helpful!!

Love ya all, Lindsay xoxo


	9. Pushing Never Gets you Anywhere

Chapter 8

Cole looked at Starr. Just looked. Hoping that she didn't mean what he thought she meant.

"No! Not like that." Starr responded to Cole. Knowing that she gave him the wrong idea. "Look:" Starr raised her arms up and pulled down her sleeves. "Nothing!" Cole was sorta embarrassed. "Okay."

"What about you, huh?" It was now Starr's turn to help and lecture Cole. "Don't lie to me and act dumb. I know that you have been on drugs, painkillers since Hope died. You want me to stop hurting myself and others and especially you, but you are such a hypocrite, because you are doing the exact same thing."

"That's where you're wrong" Cole pulled out his card from the treatment center. "I'm way ahead of you baby. I gave all my pills to Rachel, my drug counselor, this morning and I am going back to see her tomorrow at 3." Cole said pointing to the card to show Starr.

Starr just shook her head. "Yeah and, so what? It isn't that easy to just quit ya know. You're always gonna be tempted and have the urge to pop another and not to mention the detox. That is real hardass." Starr had done some research prior. She had already known that she wanted to help Cole.

"Yes, I know all of this and I'm not saying that its just gonna be a one-time meeting and 'BOOM' I'm clean. No, that's not going to work. I have a feeling that it's going to be tough and I am going to struggle doing it; struggle a lot," Cole grabbed Starr's hand, "And that's why I am asking you to help me and I will help you. I know that I shouldn't be asking you, but I am. It would mean so much to me if you say yes."

Starr had squeezed Cole's hand tighter and looked him in the eyes, but then quickly let go.

Starr knew that she wanted to say yes, but it just wasn't that easy for her, it was too soon. Her mind kept going back to the past and all the things that they have been through. "I don't know Cole."

"W-What do you mean?"

"Do you just expect me to forget about this past year? What happened to us before Hope and while I, we, were pregnant?" Starr kept looking at Cole, "'Cause I haven't, at least not yet, and I know that it's going to take a while before I can truly get over it and believe me, it's not going to happen over night."

"Starr, I'm not saying that we have to jump right back into a relationship. No! Starr, please, I need your help. You're the only one who knows how I feel and what I'm going through and somewhere inside you, I know that you need my help too and I'm going to give it to you and be there for you. So please Starr, will you help me?"

Starr looked at Cole in amazement. She was starting to see the old Cole. "Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, but we have to take it slow. Day by day, hour by hour. I'm not ready for anything big pr fast yet, slow."

"I got it!" Cole was so relieved, but inside he was a little sad that Starr basically turned him down. "Okay, that's fine, thank you."

"Mm-huh." Starr just smiled.

'Would it be too much if I asked you to come with me to my next meeting tomorrow?"

"Uhm, I don't know Cole."

"Starr, please? Rachel said that it would be good for me to have support and someone that believes in me."

"I'll think about it Cole. But you need to stop, just stop. You keep pushing me and pushing me. I agreed to help you get clean but you said you would help me, but I don't see you doing anything. So, just stop pushing me." Starr was so stressed out right now over Cole's constant demands she just couldn't take it anymore and exploded.

"I have to go, I'm sorry." With that, Starr turned around and left without giving Cole a chance to say anything.

"STARR, STARR" Cole tried to call after her, but she was already gone. "What just happened?" Cole stood there not knowing what happened or what to do. He knows that he will give Starr her space for now, while he figures out a way to really help Starr.

**----- **

What will Starr do whenshe gets home? And what is Coles' plan to help Starr?

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Finally I updated, haha!! I'm on Spring Break this week, so I plan on writing a lot and updating a lot!! Please Review and tell me what you thought, I always want to hear your guys' opinions and what you think sould happen next!!

Look out for a next chapter coming soon =)

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Lindsay


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